Monday, October 13, 2014

october 13th

so here we are, in the middle of october. it's finally fall (and i use the word "finally" almost sarcastically) and the world around us is beautiful with color. colorado has held true to form, giving us some amazing days that start and end with crisp, cool air, and fill the middle with sunshine and warmth that allow us to be outside it t-shirts and shorts. it's awesome.

to be honest, the few colder, grayer days we've had have brought me into near states of depression - i am just not ready for colder weather. i'm just not, and i have been praying/begging that the warm air and perfect days will last a little longer this year. but on those perfect fall days i eat it up and will claim the whole time that fall is my favorite season. (but let's be honest, whatever season we're in is somehow my favorite season.)

a few days ago i took the kids out front, sat them in some lovely fall light, and shot away. i just couldn't resist.

hyde sat still the worst. and the light was running out for his solo feature, so hence the smaller number of pictures of him. but i'd say i pretty much caught his essence in those few shots. cracking himself up, and playing spidey man. he's still working on getting the fingers right...

and hank and i... well, we're preparing. preparing for our lives to change yet again exactly one week from today with the arrival of #4. THE #4. aka: grant. (yes, it's decided. no middle name yet.) though i have certainly had my moments of terror and fear and anxiety at adding another soul to the circus (and trust me, it is in fact a circus), i also have quieter moments of excitement at the prospect of being able to hold a tiny new babe, fresh from heaven that while on this earth i can call mine. i can't wait to meet him. i can't wait to hold him. i can't wait to have that crazy overwhelming love expand my heart in the magical way that somehow only having a new baby brings. i can't wait for him to come. ...neither can his oldest sister who has asked me everyday for the last four months (no joke) if it was time for baby brother to come out. i love that we are now counting down in single digits, which she has a better comprehension of, so she knows it's close. hyde is as excited as brothers get i guess, and poor little leah has no clue what's about to hit her. i worry the most about her and her hot/cold attitude, and how she'll react to not being the baby anymore. and it may take some time, but we'll all find our place, our rhythm, our groove... while there's been angst at times on my part about how i'm going to do and handle it all and be a good mom to so many needy (read: young) children, those quieter moments and the support i've gotten from the man draw me back in to believing i/we can do it and that it's going to be okay. even wonderful. the to-do-before-baby-comes list is getting shorter rather than longer these days, thank goodness, which probably helps put me at ease, and i feel closer as i cross one or two things off each day toward being "ready." i've paced myself though, so i hope he doesn't come early - i need the next week to really get it all done. if he decides to come early, i'm hosed. as much as i'd love to have my body back, i'm really okay with waiting one more week to get things done. that and i have a date with a pedi on friday and a date with the man on saturday. so. i'd really appreciate if he let me get those ones in.

i've really had a great pregnancy and generally actually like being pregnant. but only recently, like in the last two weeks, have i really given a lot of thought to knowing that #4 is probably the end of the line for us as far as kids go, and that this will be the last time i carry a baby. that said, i waited too long to let that set in. even though i've had a good pregnancy, have felt really good and enjoyed it for the most part, i wish i would have relished it as my last time earlier on, when it's really good. like during the prime second trimester. waiting until the very last month to try and love it and take it in for the last time hasn't served me nearly as well unfortunately. even still, i hope i don't forget what the good parts were like, ever. because i really do think that pregnancy and carrying/building/bringing a child into the world is beautiful.

so, that's where we're at. i'm not sure how soon i'll post after he comes... i won't have the capability until i get home from the hospital and frankly i'm expecting mayhem for a little bit there while we get adjusted. but perhaps in the wee hours of the morning when grant and i are bonding it up as mothers and newborns do there for a while, i'll get a chance to retell the story. in the meantime, please pray for me to have a good baby (i'm not even kidding) and for all of us to take to our new flow quickly, and have patience with each other in the meantime.

seven days to go...