i learned a few things

i love this. i want to buy it so bad. it will have to wait until next week. it, and similar, if you're interested can be found here.

early this morning, i learned a few things.

i learned that this close to summer solstice the dawn literally starts to break at 4:11am. and that the sky is bright with light by 5. i learned this after being up with my poor little girl whose bum is so red it kept her from sleeping last night. after a quick change and some soothing, she finally fell back asleep, only to leave me wide awake to see the sun come up. i learned that no matter how tired i am, i still cannot fall back asleep once i've been awakened. actually, i've always known that. that was not a new one for me.

i also learned that i am a good mom. i am not a perfect mom, or even the best mom, but i am still a good mom - working and all - and beth loves me just the same. simply because i am her mom. for a long time i carried around mommy-guilt - the fact that i am not home with her 24/7, or that i have at times been short with her and lost my patience. or that i do not always give her my full attention while she's awake because i sometimes try to get things done around the house rather than play with her. but i have decided, and learned, that this is not healthy. it's not good! it's not right to constantly feel as though i am inadequate and not giving her everything she needs because for the most part i am. nor do i think it's part of the plan to feel this way. and it took a lot for me to realize that.

my daughter does not know if there is a better mom out there - she just knows that i'm her mom. and she loves me and needs me and even wants me for that reason alone. and i love this, because it's unconditional. she knows that i will offer all the love i have to give, even if it's through discipline (most recently), that i will still love her even after she does exactly what i've just told her not to do, and that 5 minutes later we will be laughing and playing in the backyard together.

now please don't think this to mean i am settling. i still want to be home with her everyday rather than work, i still want to have a never-ending patience fuse, and i would still love to give this girl the world. these are things to work toward, but not feel guilty over. and that's the lesson i learned here.

i am tired today and struggling to get through the day. and for any other reason, i might be upset that my sleep was so short last night. but i have also learned that when it's for your kids, you don't seem to care nearly as much.

in the wee hours of the morning, as i picked beth up from her crib as she cried in discomfort, she wrapped her arms tight around my neck because she knew she would find comfort in me. and i loved it. i admit that i ate it up, as it's rare for her to hold on so tight and for so long - beth is not your classic cuddler. so i held her for a while and i gave her comfort the very best i could as she needed me to. because that's what good moms do - the best they can with what they have.



i am a good mom. not a perfect mom, but a good mom.
and i learned that it's okay to think so.



ps: happy first birthday to my little frind LRF!!!! i hope you get to eat lots and lots of cake on your special day :)

bubbles

the girl loves bubbles. so fun to watch her chase after them and squeal every time she caught one and popped it.




not a bad day in the park...


and becuase it's father's day, two of my favorite photos from the day will go here:

happy father's day, my dear. thank you for being the best dad you could possibly be.

cross it off

this weekend i ventured up to 8,700 feet and ran a half marathon. it was:

1. so rad
2. not as hard to breathe as i was worried it might be
3. perfect weather with cool temps
4. phenemonenal scenery

and i actually finished in a pretty good time. now, not to say i finished in the front of the pack. quite the contrary. but i haven't been feeling quite like myself the last couple weeks and was worried it would be a bad day, and i just wouldn't be feeling it, despite my pretty good training for this one.

but i woke up feeling pretty good, ate a bowl of scrumptious oatmeal for some fuel, stretched and warmed up among 200 other people as though i did this every weekend, and when the start blast sounded, set out on my way. not a great first mile, but pushed through it, and then really found my stride and rocked that pavement like nobody's business. one foot in front of the other was no problem... until about mile 10. then my legs started to get tired and hurt.

thank goodness the views were so stunning; i ran through those huge rocky mountains which provided not only great backdrop, but a great way to keep my mind off the running to literally just enjoying life and how good it is. super cheesy, super true. it was that stellar. wish i could have taken some pictures along the way.
sorry, too worried about finishing...

i ended up crossing the line 30 minutes sooner than i told hank to watch for me. not bad for an old lady, eh? and if i'm honest, crossing the finish was not very climactic - there was no music, no one even cheering and clapping, you just kind of crossed... and that was it. sort of lame. doesn't deter me though. still glad i did it.

clearly, beth is too. she was really excited for me... not.

and now, i can cross it off the list.

complete half marathon? check.

the n-word

"beth, come here please, it's time to get dressed..."

"no"

"beth can you give daddy a kiss?"

"no"

"beth can you put that away please?"

"no"

"um, excuse me?"

sigh.

a long and heavy sigh.

because cute as she might be, we have now entered with her into an entirely new world. the world of discipline. and i don't even know where to begin.

where is it that you start with a one year old? time out... counting to three... slap on the hand... a stern talking to? so far we've tried all of those and none of them have really seemed to have much impact. just more crying when she doesn't get what she wants.

if this is parenthood, i'm out.

okay, not really. but it's just been so good up to this point. she's been so good and fun. but now she's learning right from wrong (sort of...), and how to talk back. at such a young age!

i know all you mothers out there are raising your eyebrows and nodding, smiling knowingly, and maybe even chuckling a little bit at my "woes", knowing how much deeper and harder it gets, while i sit here and pine away at just hearing her say "no" right to my face.

but that's just it. i may not understand exactly what lies ahead, but let me assure that i'm fully aware that there's more. and maybe that's what bothers me so much. the angel/perfect phase is gone and we've worked our way into the harder stuff. there is no going back now. the cute baby stuff is over and done. gone forever. and i know that. it only gets harder from here.

it's fun to see her develop a personality and become independent and watch her figure out how to do things on her own. and she is so sweet 85% of the time. i'm just worried that number will get less and less as she learns how to use that word (and others) more and more. and do i have any control of it? can i help shape her personality or is it something that's just so innate that i let go and say, okay, you are who you are and i love you...

maybe a little bit of both.

and you know what? i think i'm okay with that. i mean, i am in this for the long haul. i knew this was going to happen. in fact, i really looked forward to it! and i still do. but i admit that cute-baby-phase went much faster than i expected it to. and now i am wishing i could hold on to it forever! but alas, bigger and better things ahead, right? and so we enter into this new world...

oh man. here goes nothing.

it's time

do you think it's time to mow the lawn when your kids are waist deep in grass and weeds?

nah... i say let 'em play.

let 'em explore the deep wonders of the jungle that is the backyard.

let 'em lose their toys to the deep green leaves

and later get eaten up by the lawnmower (true story...)


alright, maybe somebody should mow the backyard. somebody...


hint, hint.... :)

a little trip up the mountain

a few weeks ago hank and i determined that our summer was beginning. sunshine or not. so we picked a hike to do one saturday and actually, despite there still being snow on the ground and temps a little cooler at the top, we had really good weather which we considered a bonus.

we set out on the trail, babe on back, marley running about and rolling in the snow, and super stoked just to be outside. now, let me also state here that we did start fairly late in the morning, got on the trail at about 9:30 or so, which 9:30=beth's nap time. so we weren't exactly sure how it was going to go. but she seemed in pretty good spirits, so press forward we did.













about 3/4 of the way up she totally crashed.







nice timing. we were so close to the top...

so we did what every good parent would do: just set her down and let her keep sleeping. it seemed like the right thing anyway, so we plopped her down and she slept while we ate some snacks and walked around the peak enjoying the view.










she woke up before too long, so we pulled her out and she joined us in our top-o-the-mountain fun.












this little girl rules. she totally loves to be outside. doesn't care if it's raining or windy or hot or cold... she just likes to be outside and i LOVE it. i like to think she got it from me, though hank and i both want to make sure all of our kids appreciate nature and the earth like we do and give them exposure to the peace and happiness that can be found by being outside with mother nature. i realize that might sound super hippy, but it's so true. we plan to take beth on her first camping trip this summer as well. tent camping even. dah dah dah (sang with deep and deafening sounds of doom) while many would rather gouge their eyes out with a straw before attempting this with a one year old, i have to say that am confident she'll do great. granted, i am giving her one trip to sort of whine and cry and figure it out, but in the end, i believe that regular camping will prevail. they never get used to it if you only go once right?