Thursday, January 21, 2010

break down

so i don't want to admit it, but i may or may not have had a
total melt down at 3 am wednesday morning.
for the life of me, i couldn't sleep. at all.
i tossed and turned and literally tried every position possible to try and keep
my legs from going numb and twitching, my arms from falling asleep,
and my mind off..... anything.

this was reminiscent of most nights for the last 3 months, but i usually get some
good pockets of sleep every hour our two before waking up and needing to hurl my belly
(and my pillow, and my other pillow) over to the other side for what i like to call,
"the switch",
and then falling back asleep before repeating "the switch" a while later.

i'm not going to lie. not being able to sleep when i want to more than anything is
- in my mind -
one of the most torturous experiences possible.
i was so. dang. tired. and i couldn't get anything. not even 15 minutes.
i got up and walked around for a while,
had a big glass of water, watched tv.... nada.

and that's when the breakdown may or may not have happened.
i was so angry for not being able to sleep - a build up of not really getting any
good sleep for a long time. i didn't want to have my belly anymore.
i was over it. done.
and when the notion that i still had 7 weeks to go and that it was only going
to get bigger and more uncomfortable set in...
well, let's just say i would have been the worst possible person to ask to
give a motivational speech on hope and endurance right at that moment.

at this point the breakdown may or may not have gotten worse as i became
completely guilt laden for hating my belly. for wanting it gone.
how selfish was that?
doesn't every mother willingly give up their sound rest for the sake
of their chillins, and love that they have that opportunity to
selflessly live for them?
if i can't get through this without feeling total frustration....

oh, i'm going to be the worst mother ever.

so lying in my bed where i may or may not have been a fountain of tears,
hank rolled over and asked me what was going on.
"i just can't sleep. i'm so tired and i just can't sleep."
i was reluctant to tell him about the hating my pregnant stomach and
feeling guilty for it, worried that he would agree with
the above statement,
but eventually he got that part out of me and pleasantly surprised me with a
"linds, it's okay" while stroking my arm. "probably every mother goes through this."

i love this man.

well, despite his sympathy, minutes later he was back asleep, scoring his dreams with snores as usual,
and i still laid there unable to sleep. at 4am i finally decided to make my way downstairs
to the couch, read all the pregnant books i could
(surely they would put me to rest)
and find the parts where it tells you that you won't sleep
and that every mother-to-be has a meltdown like this at some point.
well, that only kind of happened - i only found that part in one book,
and she admitted to having reaching her melting point with only a week left in her pregnancy.
so it kind of helped me with my guilty feelings, although not entirely.
i was hoping for chapters and pages of throngs of women who were just like me.

at any rate, i finally fell asleep around 6 am, only to wake again at 6:55am,
just in time to get up and get ready for the long day ahead.
a short night (and long day) it was, but i made it through and last night was much, much better.
i probably could have fallen asleep standing up last night if i wanted to -
my body didn't have a choice last night. sleep was happening.
still in pockets between switches of course,
but it's so much better than not being able to sleep at all, and i was grateful.

i've asked around a bit, and no one (not even my doctor) really has any great remedies.
i guess it's just all part of the process of motherhood preparation.
(that's what i hear anyway...)
even still, i'd love to hear anyone's ideas - before i may or may not have
another break down in 4 weeks time.

anyone? anyone?