Thursday, January 21, 2010

break down

so i don't want to admit it, but i may or may not have had a
total melt down at 3 am wednesday morning.
for the life of me, i couldn't sleep. at all.
i tossed and turned and literally tried every position possible to try and keep
my legs from going numb and twitching, my arms from falling asleep,
and my mind off..... anything.

this was reminiscent of most nights for the last 3 months, but i usually get some
good pockets of sleep every hour our two before waking up and needing to hurl my belly
(and my pillow, and my other pillow) over to the other side for what i like to call,
"the switch",
and then falling back asleep before repeating "the switch" a while later.

i'm not going to lie. not being able to sleep when i want to more than anything is
- in my mind -
one of the most torturous experiences possible.
i was so. dang. tired. and i couldn't get anything. not even 15 minutes.
i got up and walked around for a while,
had a big glass of water, watched tv.... nada.

and that's when the breakdown may or may not have happened.
i was so angry for not being able to sleep - a build up of not really getting any
good sleep for a long time. i didn't want to have my belly anymore.
i was over it. done.
and when the notion that i still had 7 weeks to go and that it was only going
to get bigger and more uncomfortable set in...
well, let's just say i would have been the worst possible person to ask to
give a motivational speech on hope and endurance right at that moment.

at this point the breakdown may or may not have gotten worse as i became
completely guilt laden for hating my belly. for wanting it gone.
how selfish was that?
doesn't every mother willingly give up their sound rest for the sake
of their chillins, and love that they have that opportunity to
selflessly live for them?
if i can't get through this without feeling total frustration....

oh, i'm going to be the worst mother ever.

so lying in my bed where i may or may not have been a fountain of tears,
hank rolled over and asked me what was going on.
"i just can't sleep. i'm so tired and i just can't sleep."
i was reluctant to tell him about the hating my pregnant stomach and
feeling guilty for it, worried that he would agree with
the above statement,
but eventually he got that part out of me and pleasantly surprised me with a
"linds, it's okay" while stroking my arm. "probably every mother goes through this."

i love this man.

well, despite his sympathy, minutes later he was back asleep, scoring his dreams with snores as usual,
and i still laid there unable to sleep. at 4am i finally decided to make my way downstairs
to the couch, read all the pregnant books i could
(surely they would put me to rest)
and find the parts where it tells you that you won't sleep
and that every mother-to-be has a meltdown like this at some point.
well, that only kind of happened - i only found that part in one book,
and she admitted to having reaching her melting point with only a week left in her pregnancy.
so it kind of helped me with my guilty feelings, although not entirely.
i was hoping for chapters and pages of throngs of women who were just like me.

at any rate, i finally fell asleep around 6 am, only to wake again at 6:55am,
just in time to get up and get ready for the long day ahead.
a short night (and long day) it was, but i made it through and last night was much, much better.
i probably could have fallen asleep standing up last night if i wanted to -
my body didn't have a choice last night. sleep was happening.
still in pockets between switches of course,
but it's so much better than not being able to sleep at all, and i was grateful.

i've asked around a bit, and no one (not even my doctor) really has any great remedies.
i guess it's just all part of the process of motherhood preparation.
(that's what i hear anyway...)
even still, i'd love to hear anyone's ideas - before i may or may not have
another break down in 4 weeks time.

anyone? anyone?


JaneH said...

Lindsay........Think of this as a time of preparation. Preparation for the nights when you will be carrying that sweet bundle, not in your belly, but in your arms. Not lying in bed, but walking the floor. And sleep simply won't come, this time to that precious bundle, and she's not about to go it alone. Of course at that point you can share it with Dad. Remember
Sweetheart...We all have gone thru that guilt thing as well. This too shall pass. Endure...and try a cup of warm milk.....

christine said...

Sweet Linds-- love ya, girl! Yes, we've been there, and we understand your pain. I used to get restless legs and itchy feet that would drive me batty! And being super tired doesn't help the emotions any! Try a warm bath before bed, whatever helps you let go of stress. Stretching also helped my restless legs thing. And remember that what is now just a "thing" (your belly) will soon be known to you as a sweet little girl that you love more than life itself and would do anything for. Just wait -- it's all SOOO worth it!

TeamDall said...

who is JaneH? I like her and she's right. It will pass and everyone goes through it, but good crap, seven weeks is a long time, so is fifteen. I'm reading The Count of Monte Cristo and it helps me fall asleep, not stay asleep though. Don't you just want to lay on your back with your arms above your head? I do.

Pugs said...

After my break down, and "I can't do this any longer" speech to Ben. My water broke and three hours later Jake and Colin came into the world. All 14 lbs. of them! You are the best LInds. We love you and think of you guys often! Especially when Danny hears a louuuddd motorcycle nearby.

OnGod'sErrand said...

Oh Precious,
I wish I could say that it will get better, but alas.....but, you will get through it! Thanks heavens for a loving and understanding husband. The doctor okayed Tylenol PM for Jen. It may be worth a try on those really tough nights.
Let go of the guilt thing. there will be more of those feelings in the days ahead, but the love and unselfishness of motherhood will far surpass it in the end. You're going to be a fabulous mother. I can hardly wait to see that. Hugs!

Anonymous said...

Hey! Every mother goes through this I think. I hate my pregnant bely and I have 5 more months to go haha. you will be a great mom, but we all think that we wont be too! I still do. i love your nursery. It is so cute!! and creative!! one of the best I have seen! any way I ofund you on here so if you want to look at my blog send me your email to and I can add you to my blog. I joined finally. I hope you get some sleep, but we learn to survive without sleep too!

jen said...

aw, shucks linds. you KNOW every mother has been there. and yes, not being able to sleep when you are dying to is JUST PLAIN MISERABLE. i try my hardest to just get up and try to make some valuable use of the time (yes, i'm dad's daughter, remember all those nights dad was up reading in the family room at 4 am?) exactly. and the worst that can happen from a sleepless night is you're more tired the next day. it's just the frustration of it all that gets to you. and no, this isn't the slightest indication of what sort of a mother you're going to be. YOU'RE GOING TO BE AWESOME!!! as great as you are with my kids (which i loved) times 1,000. LOVE TO YOU!!!