beth did not feel the need to have her extremely dirty diaper changed or want to get dressed for the day one morning this week and out of sheer frustration after trying to no avail to talk nice and make it fun and gentle reminders that we do this every dang day i just... lost it. and i yelled at her. yep, that's right yelled. at my one year old daughter who then looked at me with the most hurt, sad eyes ever and of course bawled her eyes out even more.
and right in that instant, i wanted to die. what in the H was i thinking??? she's one for crying out loud. yes, we do this everyday, and yes, we're in a rush and late (again), but she is my child. and she's one.
my heart wrenched inside me and my stomach tied itself in a billion knots. i picked up my naked little girl and held her and soothed her and apologized a hundred times over and wished i could wake up all over again and do the whole morning over.
she was clingy and sad the rest of the morning (all 15 minutes more that i spent with her before dropping her off) and it was the worst. i didn't want to drop her off that day. i wanted to hang out with her and make it up to her and love her all day. it was horrible.
now i'll be honest and say that i spent part of my work day that day looking for some inspiration and encouragement regarding motherhood and how important it is. i wanted/needed that reminder i think. well, i found some.
i came across several things, but some of the best words i found were by Elder Ballard. and in particular, this first paragraph:
There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part-or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else.
I am impressed by countless mothers who have learned how important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life. If a child lives with parents for 18 or 19 years, that span is only one-fourth of a parent’s life. And the most formative time of all, the early years in a child’s life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent’s normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes. This eternally important work falls to mothers and fathers as equal partners. I am grateful that today many fathers are more involved in the lives of their children. But I believe that the instincts and the intense nurturing involvement of mothers with their children will always be a major key to their well-being. In the words of the proclamation on the family, “Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Liahona, Oct. 2004, 49; Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).
We need to remember that the full commitment of motherhood and of putting children first can be difficult... There are moments of great joy and incredible fulfillment, but there are also moments of a sense of inadequacy, monotony, and frustration. Mothers may feel they receive little or no appreciation for the choice they have made. ...if the simple things are being tended to, a mother’s life can be most rewarding. The joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction.
Read the full talk here.
since then i've been much better. i learned that i need to slow down a little bit and enjoy my time with beth, all the time. not just when she's perfect (5% of the time). but i can tell that when i'm better, she's better. and that makes a big difference.
on a sort of unrelated, actually i guess it kind of is related in that it includes beth: yesterday as i was getting ready for the day she was playing the bathroom and of course got into everything. she managed to find my jewelry box and make up bag and just went to town. it so comical and so cute. she ended up eating a good portion of my lipstick (i never wear it anyway, so that was kind of a whatev...), hence the chunks of it near her mouth, but i just had to laugh. this girl is into everything. literally everything. every drawer, every cupboard, every bag, box, wrapper, container, hole that she can get her tiny little hand into, she will find and have at it. most of the time it's fine - we've done a pretty good job of baby proofing it up around here, and other times it's like, "are you kidding me? how did manage to find/get into/make a complete mess of that?"
i came across several things, but some of the best words i found were by Elder Ballard. and in particular, this first paragraph:
There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part-or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else.
I am impressed by countless mothers who have learned how important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life. If a child lives with parents for 18 or 19 years, that span is only one-fourth of a parent’s life. And the most formative time of all, the early years in a child’s life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent’s normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes. This eternally important work falls to mothers and fathers as equal partners. I am grateful that today many fathers are more involved in the lives of their children. But I believe that the instincts and the intense nurturing involvement of mothers with their children will always be a major key to their well-being. In the words of the proclamation on the family, “Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Liahona, Oct. 2004, 49; Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).
We need to remember that the full commitment of motherhood and of putting children first can be difficult... There are moments of great joy and incredible fulfillment, but there are also moments of a sense of inadequacy, monotony, and frustration. Mothers may feel they receive little or no appreciation for the choice they have made. ...if the simple things are being tended to, a mother’s life can be most rewarding. The joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction.
Read the full talk here.
since then i've been much better. i learned that i need to slow down a little bit and enjoy my time with beth, all the time. not just when she's perfect (5% of the time). but i can tell that when i'm better, she's better. and that makes a big difference.
on a sort of unrelated, actually i guess it kind of is related in that it includes beth: yesterday as i was getting ready for the day she was playing the bathroom and of course got into everything. she managed to find my jewelry box and make up bag and just went to town. it so comical and so cute. she ended up eating a good portion of my lipstick (i never wear it anyway, so that was kind of a whatev...), hence the chunks of it near her mouth, but i just had to laugh. this girl is into everything. literally everything. every drawer, every cupboard, every bag, box, wrapper, container, hole that she can get her tiny little hand into, she will find and have at it. most of the time it's fine - we've done a pretty good job of baby proofing it up around here, and other times it's like, "are you kidding me? how did manage to find/get into/make a complete mess of that?"
but how can you not love it at the same time? things like this are what one year olds do! sigh...
good times. this weekend we are building our garden boxes getting them ready for planting in the next couple of weeks. hooray! i love that the man is so handy and can build all these wonderful things for me. pictures of this to come soon.
oh, and happy easter friends. i still need to go easter shopping. sheesh.
2 comments:
friend, you are not alone. i've done the same thing, multiple times, so if it happens again, don't beat yourself up. i did find with caroline that when i was 'mary poppins' with her she acted the same way back to me (it's still the case) but i can't do that all the time, just not my nature. :) i liked the quotes, too, thanks.
also, easter shopping? this is the first year we are even doing easter baskets... and i'm doing it today, saturday. i guess i work best under pressure. :)
oh linds. it's only the beginning of a long road of motherhood-- occasional "losing it" is just part of the game, and i have yet to meet a mother who doesn't lose it once in awhile. just wait until you're trying to change that diaper and you have two fighting/screaming children in the other room and the phone ringing and dinner bubbling over on the stove. . .
it's natural and normal and you've got to take it easy on yourself. remember mom losing it? a few times. but more importantly we remember the other 99% of the time when she was the most amazing, giving, creative, loving, patient mother. put it in perspective.
and thank you for this quote! loved it.
love you!
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