i learned a few things

i love this. i want to buy it so bad. it will have to wait until next week. it, and similar, if you're interested can be found here.

early this morning, i learned a few things.

i learned that this close to summer solstice the dawn literally starts to break at 4:11am. and that the sky is bright with light by 5. i learned this after being up with my poor little girl whose bum is so red it kept her from sleeping last night. after a quick change and some soothing, she finally fell back asleep, only to leave me wide awake to see the sun come up. i learned that no matter how tired i am, i still cannot fall back asleep once i've been awakened. actually, i've always known that. that was not a new one for me.

i also learned that i am a good mom. i am not a perfect mom, or even the best mom, but i am still a good mom - working and all - and beth loves me just the same. simply because i am her mom. for a long time i carried around mommy-guilt - the fact that i am not home with her 24/7, or that i have at times been short with her and lost my patience. or that i do not always give her my full attention while she's awake because i sometimes try to get things done around the house rather than play with her. but i have decided, and learned, that this is not healthy. it's not good! it's not right to constantly feel as though i am inadequate and not giving her everything she needs because for the most part i am. nor do i think it's part of the plan to feel this way. and it took a lot for me to realize that.

my daughter does not know if there is a better mom out there - she just knows that i'm her mom. and she loves me and needs me and even wants me for that reason alone. and i love this, because it's unconditional. she knows that i will offer all the love i have to give, even if it's through discipline (most recently), that i will still love her even after she does exactly what i've just told her not to do, and that 5 minutes later we will be laughing and playing in the backyard together.

now please don't think this to mean i am settling. i still want to be home with her everyday rather than work, i still want to have a never-ending patience fuse, and i would still love to give this girl the world. these are things to work toward, but not feel guilty over. and that's the lesson i learned here.

i am tired today and struggling to get through the day. and for any other reason, i might be upset that my sleep was so short last night. but i have also learned that when it's for your kids, you don't seem to care nearly as much.

in the wee hours of the morning, as i picked beth up from her crib as she cried in discomfort, she wrapped her arms tight around my neck because she knew she would find comfort in me. and i loved it. i admit that i ate it up, as it's rare for her to hold on so tight and for so long - beth is not your classic cuddler. so i held her for a while and i gave her comfort the very best i could as she needed me to. because that's what good moms do - the best they can with what they have.



i am a good mom. not a perfect mom, but a good mom.
and i learned that it's okay to think so.



ps: happy first birthday to my little frind LRF!!!! i hope you get to eat lots and lots of cake on your special day :)