Saturday, August 2, 2014

in between

not too long ago i almost got a job. a full time one that would get me back into the industry i know well, but in a newer, bigger capacity that would have challenged me a little bit but still used my skill and experience to, what i hope would, also allow me to excel. and i wanted it. like, really wanted it. for a lot of reasons. it would have been a large step up from my last position which i was looking forward to, restored contact with many of my old colleagues and friends which i've missed, offered occasional travel (which i quite like), and gave me a way to learn and grow in ways and with people that i genuinely appreciate, respect and enjoy. the financial help it would have given our family and unparalleled benefits especially in these times couldn't be ignored either, so that also weighed heavily on the decision to go for it. but in the end, it didn't go my way.

if i'm honest, there are definitely moments where i really wish that job would have worked out. moments like today when beth had a complete melt down in the middle of a crowded park because i asked her to come and talk to me where i was sitting on the blanket after seeing her crying/pouting while sitting alone on the swing. i had merely called her over to ask why she was crying, and for some crazy unknown reason the very act of doing so only instigated further breakdown. incidentally, it turned into a huge affair with wails and screams you would expect from a two year old, quickly calling for our immediate departure. and as i was being watched and stared at by mothers and fathers all around as i hurriedly got my things and children together to leave the scene smiling the yep-don't-mind-us smile, i was wishing that i was working in an office somewhere instead of feeling those eyes - some sympathetically and others not so much - all over pregnant me, my two other little ones and my over-the-top tantruming four year old who screamed the whole way to the car at the end of the parking lot where the only shady spots were. yes, in that very moment, i really wanted to have a paid full time job.

and then we get home and before i can even begin my lecture to beth - now that she's cooled off and is in a better state to fully understand what i'm about to tell her for the 8 millionth time about using words instead of crying - she weepingly apologizes on her own accord for the poor behavior just displayed at the park. and though inside i'm still raging mad and mortified for both of us, my heart softens a little bit that she has come to me on her own to say "i'm sorry for screaming at the park mommy. i'm sorry i made us come home early." i will give the girl that - pride has not grasped hold of this child just yet and she definitely knows how to give a sincere apology. so i shorten my parental rant from 25 minutes down to 20 and afterward wrap her up in big hugs which are always reciprocated so lovingly (even after a lecture, much to my surprise), and take back every thought i had of wishing i was in an office somewhere, missing out on this. on any of it. even the ugly stuff. because when it comes right down to it, it's my responsibility to take those ugly moments to teach her, and help ween that ugly 10% down to maybe just 2 or 3%. and because really, truly i don't want to miss a single second of my kids. i love to watch them discover, learn, play, and grow into themselves in all the various ways those things come... mistakes, triumphs, successful adventures, completed art projects, playdates gone well/awry, trips and falls, letting imaginations run wild and everything in between. in the end, i wouldn't trade it for the world, despite my sporadic thoughts of wishing i were elsewhere... i know i'm right where i'm supposed - and want - to be.

some snapshots of our everyday life and some of those moments in between. ps: get ready, it's an eyeful...

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