in between

not too long ago i almost got a job. a full time one that would get me back into the industry i know well, but in a newer, bigger capacity that would have challenged me a little bit but still used my skill and experience to, what i hope would, also allow me to excel. and i wanted it. like, really wanted it. for a lot of reasons. it would have been a large step up from my last position which i was looking forward to, restored contact with many of my old colleagues and friends which i've missed, offered occasional travel (which i quite like), and gave me a way to learn and grow in ways and with people that i genuinely appreciate, respect and enjoy. the financial help it would have given our family and unparalleled benefits especially in these times couldn't be ignored either, so that also weighed heavily on the decision to go for it. but in the end, it didn't go my way.

if i'm honest, there are definitely moments where i really wish that job would have worked out. moments like today when beth had a complete melt down in the middle of a crowded park because i asked her to come and talk to me where i was sitting on the blanket after seeing her crying/pouting while sitting alone on the swing. i had merely called her over to ask why she was crying, and for some crazy unknown reason the very act of doing so only instigated further breakdown. incidentally, it turned into a huge affair with wails and screams you would expect from a two year old, quickly calling for our immediate departure. and as i was being watched and stared at by mothers and fathers all around as i hurriedly got my things and children together to leave the scene smiling the yep-don't-mind-us smile, i was wishing that i was working in an office somewhere instead of feeling those eyes - some sympathetically and others not so much - all over pregnant me, my two other little ones and my over-the-top tantruming four year old who screamed the whole way to the car at the end of the parking lot where the only shady spots were. yes, in that very moment, i really wanted to have a paid full time job.

and then we get home and before i can even begin my lecture to beth - now that she's cooled off and is in a better state to fully understand what i'm about to tell her for the 8 millionth time about using words instead of crying - she weepingly apologizes on her own accord for the poor behavior just displayed at the park. and though inside i'm still raging mad and mortified for both of us, my heart softens a little bit that she has come to me on her own to say "i'm sorry for screaming at the park mommy. i'm sorry i made us come home early." i will give the girl that - pride has not grasped hold of this child just yet and she definitely knows how to give a sincere apology. so i shorten my parental rant from 25 minutes down to 20 and afterward wrap her up in big hugs which are always reciprocated so lovingly (even after a lecture, much to my surprise), and take back every thought i had of wishing i was in an office somewhere, missing out on this. on any of it. even the ugly stuff. because when it comes right down to it, it's my responsibility to take those ugly moments to teach her, and help ween that ugly 10% down to maybe just 2 or 3%. and because really, truly i don't want to miss a single second of my kids. i love to watch them discover, learn, play, and grow into themselves in all the various ways those things come... mistakes, triumphs, successful adventures, completed art projects, playdates gone well/awry, trips and falls, letting imaginations run wild and everything in between. in the end, i wouldn't trade it for the world, despite my sporadic thoughts of wishing i were elsewhere... i know i'm right where i'm supposed - and want - to be.


some snapshots of our everyday life and some of those moments in between. ps: get ready, it's an eyeful...

leah

making my way through old photos that i've yet to do anything with and came across this one of leah. i just couldn't resist posting it. i mean, come on...


march 24, 2014:





more in this series to come.

sometimes that's how it goes

like tonight, when beth and i ended up eating inside and they all stayed outside. after having been stung by a wasp a couple of weeks ago, beth is now very afraid of them. who can blame her, i guess, right? so when one came fishing for some food the other night as we routinely sat out on the deck, quickly becoming just a pest that wouldn't go away, she requested we move inside. i obliged while the others stayed and ate outside. and sometimes, that's just how it goes.

i have this vision of what our ideal life is, always eating together around the table and having great conversation that invokes laughter and general bonding time. i've heard from many ladies who have been there and done that with the whole raising kids thing that dinner time/table time is one of the most important things a family can do as far as staying cohesive and helping nourish those dear family relationships. so i try. i try really hard because i grew up that way too and i've learned it's important to me. but usually it ends up that i'm having to remind the kids to take a bite every 5 seconds because they are too easily distracted by other things or talking about this or that (hyde seems to never stop talking) and in between all that hank and i struggle to have an adult conversation and my whole ideal just goes to pot. but hey, at least we're around the table together. i'll take what i can get.

and someday when this season of life has flown by and the kids are older and able to take bites on their own accord without my having to request that they eat faster than a 500 year old turtle, hopefully these seeds that are being planted now will blossom and we'll have that quality time. someday, i'll live in that dream of mine. in the meantime, i'll keep trying for it, knowing that sometimes it just doesn't always work out the way we envision it and take whatever parts of it i can get. and that's okay.

the big reveal

well, it happened today. the big reveal happened today. amidst rain and thunder and sporadic sunshine and warmth, we found out what this new little babe is going to be.

after having the ultrasound tech write it on a card and seal it up in an envelope, i gave it to my friend julie (who was immaculately secretive) and gave her the responsibility of bringing a giant box of balloons, which when opened, would fly up into the air and answer the burning question riding high in our minds: boy or girl? she was the ONLY person who knew beforehand - she didn't even tell her husband! - so we all got to find out and be surprised together. it.was.awesome. even though the rain played some hide and seek with us throughout the entire day, we took our chances and braved the park and i'm so glad we did. there may or may not have been a few minutes of torrential downpour, but everyone played it cool and we just hunkered down and ate under the pavilion and let it ride. it didn't last long and finished up just about the time everyone was done eating and it was time for the big moment.

10... 9... 8...


and when that big giant box of balloons opened, i genuinely could not contain my excitement.



can you tell???


we were SURE those balloons were going to come out pink. just sure of it. and while that would have been great, we are so, so happy that our little family is going to be balanced out by another boy. i think hank and hyde are both relieved. (secretly i kind of am too...)

my soul feels rich and deep and my heart about to explode with joy. this was such an aweseome day. i was really excited, but i wasn't prepared for just how special it would be to find out with my dearest friends and family there with us. i am so grateful for today.



beth has said for the last year and half (before leah was born and we knew what she was) that she had one brother and two sisters. she has always said that and never wavered. even the ultrasound tech said that little kids like her are almost always right. they just have that intuition. and i totally believe that's probably true, which is why hank i both thought for sure it was going to be another girl. "they are almost always right." almost always... needless to say, she was a little bit disappointed. i'm sure she'll get over it. the rest of us on the other hand, are just fine with adding another boy to our family. in fact, we are STOKED.





man, what a good day.

ps: thank you to julie for taking care of the box (and being extremely good at keeping that one under your hat for so long without even a hint of a clue), and to sarah for taking the pictures. you both rock. thank you.