life, as we know it: some days are just hard

i'm just going to say it. some days are just really hard. and it's not that there's any huge or earth shattering reason why, but in the moment it seems like there are a hundred things that aren't going your way, and you just want to cry. because you just need to get it out.

today was one of those days. there wasn't any one major event that made it a rough day, it just feels like things (work, home, baby, etc) are piling up and i'm unable to keep up or be emotionally/mentally/physically capable of handling it all. so much of it is that i'm just so.dang.tired i think. after not really having slept in 7 months (pregnancy likes to mess with me that way) i'm just not me. i just don't have the energy i normally do. and heaven knows i just don't have the patience and drive i like to think i normally have. i'm worn out by 3:00 in the afternoon and so often getting through the rest of the day feels like such a struggle. it's terrible. i feel terrible. i feel like i'm not being the wife and mom i should be.

so after today's especially difficult-for-no-reason day (can i blame horomones???), i spent the drive home from work anxious and worried that it would be a long and hard night with beth, as it sometimes is. if i'm honest, i was dreading it. sometimes it's a fight to get her to want to come home with me from daycare (she sees me and screams and runs the other way... that's always awesome as a mom), sometimes she pushes away all the food i make for her for dinner, sometimes she cries when i tell her no or ask her to put something she shouldn't be playing with away, sometimes she pulls and tugs at me, begging me to carry her around everywhere and cries when i don't. and i just wasn't ready for it tonight. i just knew i couldn't handle it. i was on the verge of total meltdown. (which would be the first this time around, so really i'm doing pretty good, but still...) i was worried i wouldn't be able to breathe deep enough before lashing out at her, or losing it in front of her, or feeling like i'm the worst, most impatient mom ever.

tonight though, my prayers were answered. literally. days like today don't often turn out awesome, but somehow, some way it worked itself out today. beth was in a really good mood and we had the best night we've had in a while. she was so easy going tonight, so obedient, so funny, and actually ate everything i put in front of her. it was magical. hank was a total champ and suggested that we just order pizza which also helped ease my anxiety, and we all sat in the family room watching sponge bob, taking it easy and having a good time together. beth laid in her new favorite position (see below), would get up every few minutes to dance around the room or change her point of view, and hank and i laughed at how often she exclaimed that she wanted pizza in an actually very understandable and overly excited voice.

and now here i sit, with a giant mug of hot milk in front of me, putting on paper that i made it through another day. i made it through. sometimes i think, if i can get through days like today that seem insurmountable, i can make it through any day. (remind me of that later, okay guys? i'm sure i'll need it). in the end, i'm grateful for today. i'm grateful that my two hours with beth was smoother and better than it's been for a while. i'm grateful for an understanding husband who loves me despite my sometimes unfiltered emotion. i'm grateful for the quiet moments i have late at night to sort my thoughts and mellow out before taking on another day tomorrow. i'm grateful for the warm milk in my mug that always seems to calm my soul. and i'm grateful for the relaxing sounds of one james vincent mcmorrow. (if you haven't heard of him, at least try him on pandora - he's awesome). i'm grateful to have made it through another day like today.