3 weeks

and on this, her 3 week birthday, i proudly announce my new love.

this is beth.

she is awesome. she is my life and i love it.

everything is different, everything has changed (including both hank and i) and we couldn't be happier. somehow our perspective has transformed completely - certain things that mattered before no longer do, and the important things became even more so. she has given our lives new purpose.

of course we think she's the most beautiful thing on the planet (and really, who could disagree?) and she fits to our lives perfectly.

i'm torn because i can't wait to see what her personality will be like, to watch her grow and see who she'll become, but at the same time i hold on to every moment for as long as i can - each is quick and fleeting, and i know these days of novelty and newness will not last forever. so I hold on as tight as i can for the time, taking in each minute as the very breath of life that it is.

she is beautiful. CONFESSION: sometimes i cry when i look at her because i am totally amazed and in awe of this perfect new life that's been entrusted to my care. and the crazy thing is that I made her! it's mind blowing to me. but it's awesome, and i have a new found understanding of a parent's love - pure and perfect, just like she is. i almost feel like i owe my parents an apology. i just hope they know how much i love them back.

hank is amazing with her and it's clear he's going to be a sucker for his little girl. somehow i knew that was coming. i love love LOVE to watch him with her. it's the greatest thing in world.

more updates to come i'm sure, and now that i'm home (and loving it, BTW) i can - and will - post more often. i've got the perfect reason to now...

apples

to some, these might just be apples.

to me, it represents awesomeness.

an awesome trip to mexico, an awesome find on the inexpensive paintings, an awesome man to build the box frame around them, and the same awesome man to finally get the whole thing hung 3 months later.

and i LOVE it!!!!



it's perfect for my kitchen, and i am SO stoked to finally have them hanging on my wall instead of sitting on my dining room floor.
it makes me want to eat apples.

fuji apples.




on a side note: i am officially an outie.


i can't decide if this is awesome or not.

in a way, it means she's coming soon. but on the other hand, oh man.... she's coming soon.


ps: for those of you wondering, sorry - still no name, (though we do have a short list).i'll keep you updated.
and no, no other melt downs. in fact, i'm doing much, much better. thanks to all who gave such great advice and encouragement. i'm sure i'll be back for more. :)



4 weeks, 3 days and counting.....

break down

so i don't want to admit it, but i may or may not have had a

total melt down at 3 am wednesday morning.

for the life of me, i couldn't sleep. at all.

i tossed and turned and literally tried every position possible to try and keep

my legs from going numb and twitching, my arms from falling asleep,

and my mind off..... anything.

this was reminiscent of most nights for the last 3 months, but i usually get some

good pockets of sleep every hour our two before waking up and needing to hurl my belly

(and my pillow, and my other pillow) over to the other side for what i like to call,

"the switch",

and then falling back asleep before repeating "the switch" a while later.

i'm not going to lie. not being able to sleep when i want to more than anything is

- in my mind -

one of the most torturous experiences possible.

i was so. dang. tired. and i couldn't get anything. not even 15 minutes.

i got up and walked around for a while,

had a big glass of water, watched tv.... nada.

and that's when the breakdown may or may not have happened.

i was so angry for not being able to sleep - a build up of not really getting any

good sleep for a long time. i didn't want to have my belly anymore.

i was over it. done.

and when the notion that i still had 7 weeks to go and that it was only going

to get bigger and more uncomfortable set in...

well, let's just say i would have been the worst possible person to ask to

give a motivational speech on hope and endurance right at that moment.

at this point the breakdown may or may not have gotten worse as i became

completely guilt laden for hating my belly. for wanting it gone.

how selfish was that?

doesn't every mother willingly give up their sound rest for the sake

of their chillins, and love that they have that opportunity to

selflessly live for them?

if i can't get through this without feeling total frustration....

oh, i'm going to be the worst mother ever.

so lying in my bed where i may or may not have been a fountain of tears,

hank rolled over and asked me what was going on.

"i just can't sleep. i'm so tired and i just can't sleep."

i was reluctant to tell him about the hating my pregnant stomach and

feeling guilty for it, worried that he would agree with

the above statement,

but eventually he got that part out of me and pleasantly surprised me with a

"linds, it's okay" while stroking my arm. "probably every mother goes through this."

i love this man.

well, despite his sympathy, minutes later he was back asleep, scoring his dreams with snores as usual,

and i still laid there unable to sleep. at 4am i finally decided to make my way downstairs

to the couch, read all the pregnant books i could

(surely they would put me to rest)

and find the parts where it tells you that you won't sleep

and that every mother-to-be has a meltdown like this at some point.

well, that only kind of happened - i only found that part in one book,

and she admitted to having reaching her melting point with only a week left in her pregnancy.

so it kind of helped me with my guilty feelings, although not entirely.

i was hoping for chapters and pages of throngs of women who were just like me.

at any rate, i finally fell asleep around 6 am, only to wake again at 6:55am,

just in time to get up and get ready for the long day ahead.

a short night (and long day) it was, but i made it through and last night was much, much better.

i probably could have fallen asleep standing up last night if i wanted to -

my body didn't have a choice last night. sleep was happening.

still in pockets between switches of course,

but it's so much better than not being able to sleep at all, and i was grateful.

i've asked around a bit, and no one (not even my doctor) really has any great remedies.

i guess it's just all part of the process of motherhood preparation.

(that's what i hear anyway...)

even still, i'd love to hear anyone's ideas - before i may or may not have

another break down in 4 weeks time.

anyone? anyone?

hello christmas eve

and thank you for being so beautiful this morning. especially after such a crappy yesterday.



it's been busy this last little while. so to recap, in the last 14 days i:



1. finally finished painting the baby room




2. spent the weekend with my sis and her awesome two girls and new little boy
we had such a blast...




(photos courtesy of my sis)

3. managed to save the last of my christmas shopping until one day before christmas eve... RIGHT when the snow storm of the century hit (okay, maybe not century... maybe just month, but it was still intense enough to make hank drive me around so i wouldn't have to)


4. successfully made an entire thanksgiving dinner to have with friends, complete with a deliciously fried turkey, cranberries, real mashed potatoes and the whole bit. an extension of the wonderful dinner spent with my family just weeks ago.


5. drove to grand junction and back in one day to pick up my new car. good bye vanna/horrible rear wheel drive/every possible thing that could break in the last week has/looks pretty and was actually a nice luxury car, and hello nameless tan beast/i LOVE 4-wheel drive/back seat rattles a bit/i can see everything! '05 explorer. you came at JUST the right time. i am fearless in this thing. it has changed my life for good.


(a quick shout to my buddy tony for hooking us up. you rule big t)



6. got all presents wrapped, except one(which came in the mail late yesterday) while watching ernest saves christmas. talk about christmas comedy... it totally ranks up there with christmas vacation on the must-watch-every-year christmas movie list.

"Ahh, smell those Christmas trees. You can keep your 'Channel' Number 5, just give me a whiff of the old lonesome pine. That symbol of brotherly love, that centerpiece that all mankind gathers around to share the cranberry sauce shaped like a can."

"I am one with the Yuletide, know what I mean?"


Classic...



7. cleaned half of my house spotlessly which was then dirty again the next day. SIGH.... and there's only two of us. i can't wait until there's 8 of us and i can make the kids do most of the work. (i'll also soon find out if hank reads this blog...)



8. drug hank all over tarnation to look at christmas lights on houses and businesses while blaring christmas music. one of my favorite things to do at christmas time. and ps: our street is for sure the best looking in the neighborhood. it makes me VERY jolly. and i'm proud to be a contributor.



9. made 8 million desserts for my work christmas party... 1/8th of which got eaten, leaving me with 7,032,684 to bring home. i have since gained about that many pounds.


10. and finally, landed an awesome advent calendar at a chicks-only christmas party during the white elephant gift exchange. she thought it was funny. i thought i made out. i've been wanting one of these FOREVER. to take place of my handmade paper chains, of course...the man was stoked about that. and i was stoked. even though i only got to do the countdown for the last 6 days (this year), it's still awesome.


merry, merry to everyone.

lights

this weekend the man did his manly thing and put up the christmas lights on the house.

i know i've posted on this before, but it gets me too excited to not post about it. so sorry.

yes, it requires a harness... yes, our roof is that steep... and yes, he would go all

the way up to the very top if he could find a way to get up there.

(he's thinking about renting a boom lift next year)

and... some new additions this year,



and there you have it. the best looking house on the street. (although, this picture really doesn't quite capture the magnificence of it in real life)



our crazy neighbor bill (/HOA president) even came over to tell us how good it looked and thanked us for spreading our christmas cheer. how nice of him. and then he asked me if i was nervous about hank climbing on the roof and i told him no because hank upped his life insurance. i don't think he thought that was very holiday-spirit filled.

but he did it again. hank successfully and officially got christmas kicked off at our house. i am soooo excited! only 25 days left....

cheeks

jen and the girls came up to visit us in the ol' fort c about a month ago. she was huge and tired then, but hung in there long enough for all of us to have an awesome day at the canyon park and downtown.

a few pics to tell the story....

and now you know why this is called cheeks.they walked around like that for at least half an hour.and the balloon totally just makes the whole scenario classic.
so super cute. right?

i swore i'd never do this, but....

if you want to find out what it is, you can check this out. if that's too weird though, i understand. and you can just call and ask me instead.

(not that the title doesn't give it away or anything....)

my favorite part is the legs and toes (right about the 2 minute mark).

and where it shows just the

spine and she looks like an amphibian.

it's starting to feel more and more real now. it's actually really scary.

but it's also the sweetest thing ever.